April 8th 2:19am

“Mommy’s not breathing! Mommy’s not breathing! Call the nurse, Janele get up!”

Ma. Mommy. Ma. Motherrrrrr,

It took me so long to write this blog post, so I decided I will just talk to you and hopefully you can visit me in my dreams to confirm that you heard everything I said. One year. Every day, I wake up shaking my head because I can’t believe you’re not here. But, then I smile and think how much better off you are than I am. Remember two nights before you passed, when it was just you and I after, you asked for your pain medication. You said, “Janele, please sleep in the bed with me, so I can get a good night’s rest.” I said “But, Ma there isn’t enough room, you just got your broken femur repaired. I don’t want to hurt you.” And you said “Pleaseee, Janele I don’t care about my leg, I need you!” That look on your face, I will never forget. I squeezed in that uncomfortable bed next to you, you scooched over. Haha You asked me to play your Spotify playlist, I took a catnap, while you were praising God while still talking to me. Then, you started crying and apologizing to me for you not allowing me to sleep or do anything for the past couple weeks, without thinking much about it I said “Ma, don’t worry about me, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’m going to make sure you’re okay.” And you stopped crying, smiled at me and when back to praising God, I should’ve seen the warning signs that you were closer to God calling you home. In my head, I used that memory as the time I told you about my cancer diagnosis. That is our special moment where we can encourage and pray for each other.

For some reason, when you were in the hospital I documented your time there. I don’t know why, but I am happy that I did. Even though, it took me a year to look at it, it gives me serenity in my decision to praise God when He called you home. No more suffering, no more pain, no hurt, no more cancer, no more medication and no more fighting. Ironic that we sang Praise Him in advance around your bed side in the ICU, when we thought you weren’t going to make it through Thursday night. We were singing, praying and praising God in advance as a family for strength without knowing we would need each other six days later.

In 2014, the realization that you were getting sicker was turning into reality, but I always shook off the thought of life without you. And when, your first nurse in Palliative Care introduced herself as Hazel (My mother’s biological mother who died when she was only 22 months old), I knew right away, God had other plans. You created the closeness in our family, so when we put our lives on hold for a week by taking over the ICU waiting room, sleeping in your rooms, setting up a buffet style dinner in the Palliative Unit, becoming “besties” with your nurses, and learning the lingo of the doctors eased the pain of your death. You taught us the importance of family and that helped us get through this tough year.

Mommy, because you taught us to not be selfish, lol I asked Daddy and the “other” 5 to write something I could share with you.

 Daddy: “I miss you dearly, but feels your presence everyday and knows you are with the angels now.”

Clarine Jr: ” Twelve months of not hearing your voice, your laugh, or not being able to call you for parental advice. You left us and went to heaven’s paradise. A whole year has passed, since the day God made everything you’re very last. You lived a fulfilling life, exhibiting great poise and until your last dying breath, you continually gave God the glory. It was nice seeing you for 32 years, but it’s better knowing you died purposely for GOD’S GLORY.”

Crystal: Every time I start writing something, I can’t stop. So, the quote is best. “Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That’s the given. How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go.”-Katharine Weber   (And oh yeah, you remember you were hoping Crystal had another boy, so she would have more kids. A boy, Caleb Noah the name you suggested)

Ozzie: “I know a woman with the strength of steel, a noble superhero. She defies odds to assure protection and safety for her people. An amazing yet unique creation revealing God’s powerful majesty. In this life, I want to live in strength as you!”

Jaylen: “You are in a much better place. Free from pain.”

Christian: “A year ago, I gave myself 1 year to really know how I felt without my mother. Every day after the day she passed would be the first date spent without her. The first Christmas, birthday, etc. Now, having one year to accustom I still don’t know how this is supposed to feel. I think about her everyday and I miss the moments we had. But, I don’t miss her, I can’t miss her. Because she wasn’t meant to be here now, especially not in her ailing condition. I love her deeply and miss our memories but I find peace knowing I never took our time for granted.

For eight months after your death , I prayed and pleaded with God because I thought that something emotionally and mentally was wrong with me. Because, still to this day I haven’t cried or broken down after you passed away. For two weeks you entrusted me with your life, it was so overwhelming that I didn’t have time grasp the effect of your death. After, my body was so exhausted that I lost 18lbs, my body shut down and I had to visit the doctor. I still wouldn’t trade that sentimental time with you after all of that.

It bothered me knowing that I was your only daughter who wouldn’t be able to share the excitement& journey of motherhood, parental advice, mother to mother moments, but I find solace in you telling me that one day I would be a great mother. So, thank you Mommy, for being a woman of God, wife, the greatest mother you never had, grandmother, friend, educator,mentor, prayer warrior, positive spirit, competitor, spiritual advisor, fighter, biggest supporter, and motivator. God used your life to minister to me to fight & live a victorious Christian life. Thank you for showing me the way, I love you very much and  I will see you again. In your words “In Jesus’ name, We have the victory, Cancer Free & Jesus is a Sovereign God!” You claimed & now it is my turn to continue to state your words. Because my faith & trust in God lets me know I too, will be a testament.

Love your second daughter, hardest labor child, reason for marriage child, Janele Lynare

 

My mother’s final day, she was able to stand up! Breast Cancer didn’t win, God needed her much more: 

 

Ma, do I still look like Daddy? Lol