I AM STILL HERE

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I look at this face and I have to laugh. Because it could’ve be much worse. I have a cracked molar tooth, (maybe fractured nose), bruised body and swollen thumb all from little accidents within a four day period in the past week. And umm (I’m at Clarine’s house). My dad said Clarine’s is trying to sabotage me, so I can stay with her longer, HAHAHAHA I think he might be right (SIKE, love you sistaaaaaa). She said I need to re-center my equilibrium, hmm she might be right.

But, I think God is telling me to STOP, REFLECT, PRAY & GIVE THANKS BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL HERE.

Three years ago around this time, I just finished my fourth chemo treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, cut my hair off because it was falling out and the bruise under my neck appeared. I’ve come a long way. WHEWW

But, honestly there are times when, I say WOW, GOD I am still HERE! For those that know my story, I was diagnosed eight months after my mom passed from breast cancer. Therefore, I didn’t have my mom to ask for advice and prayers. However, I had a support group of four women who were battling cancer who I relied on for support, prayers, advice and encouragement. My Aunt Pam, my Cousin Jocelyn, Mama Pam (my bff Yanie’s mom) and my Aunt Oletha. Sadly, all four women have passed away. But, GOD! I’m forever thankful for what I’ve learned from them, trusting God, gaining strength from God, living life regardless of your circumstance and being ready for when God calls you. It’s been a struggle with survivor’s guilt because they’re all gone. But, GOD! He will always get your attention no matter how. KEEP PUSHING, STAY FOCUSED, REFLECT ON YOUR PAST AND LOOK TO YOUR FUTURE!

What do you do with your second chance at life?

BE BLESSED!

What NOW?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

Hiii everyone,

I know it’s been a very long time since my last post, but I felt compelled to write and share what I’ve been going through.

It’s been nine months and yes by God’s Grace, I am still CANCER FREE!!! Won’t He Do It! 

As a cancer survivor and a daughter who lost her mother to Breast Cancer, it has been extremely difficult at times to process my feelings, thoughts and emotions because I like to keep to my self emotionally. There were times when I spoke honestly and openly with people because it felt like I was carrying around emotionally baggage. BUT GOD!! 

This time last year, I felt depressed, lonely, uncertain, hurt, tired, lost and confused because I did not know how to emotionally move on with life after cancer.  I would sit and think back to when I was 8, to remember how I saw my mom bounce back after she had a mastectomy. And it was hard because a few months later, she was pregnant with Christian, so for about 17 years I watched her thrive before the cancer returned. And then, she wasn’t here anymore for me to ask questions. I felt torn because while, I was happy that treatment was coming to an end, I just couldn’t see life beyond the end of my treatment. For two years, my life consisted of grieving privately, to fighting for my life, doctor appointments, PET SCANS, chemo, stem transplant and recovery. I had lost sight of my dreams and aspirations because I was in survival mode. There is no manual on how to pick up your life after you’ve experienced a life-altering event. BUT GOD, He knows how to reach you and who to send. And that person was Christian, I was emotionally drained and I decided to interrupt his TV time. For those who know Christian, he’s the youngest, he’s funny, a handful and he thinks he’s perfect because he’s the last child. But, he’s also wise beyond his years and a great listener. He allowed me to cry, vent and listened intently that led to some well-needed advice.  There was a huge weight lifted that day. Advice if you feel stuck, WRITE down what you want to do with your life, list your priorities! I watched over time how God answered my list.

Fast forward a year later, I am still cancer free, I am halfway through my master’s program, I am interning at my alma mater, I took a solo vacation to Cartagena, Colombia and I am more determined to pursue my dreams after cancer. My God is so dope because He never lets me stay down forever, He shows up on time. I’m extremely blessed that God has given me a second chance at life and I will forever share His testimony.

 

 

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dav clone tag: 3976327131723432076

Faith. Strength. Perseverance. There will be a time when we all go through something in life and it seems that you will never recover, but know that God is there with you in the trenches. He sees you when no one else does, He hears you when your cries seem to fall on deaf ears and He feels you when you are reaching out for a helping hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAITH.STRENGTH.PRESERVANCE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAITH.STRENGTH.PRESERVANCE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAITH.STRENGTH.PRESERVANCE

I’m FINISHED!!! No more!!

Philippians 4:13 KJV “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

God, you are wonderful, magnificent, a way maker, a healer, you are Alpha and Omega, you are an omnipresent GOD!! For that I will always say THANK YOU, I am beyond grateful for life, for healing, for recovery, for prayer, for strength, for faith, for love, for support, for relationship, for friendship, for love, for pain, for hurt, for weakness, for anger, for family, for friends, for self-love, for patience, for peace, and for YOU! Every day, you showed me how and why YOUR WORD IS TRUTH! That we all go through trials and tribulations, tests on a daily, and challenges unimaginable along with happiness, joy, etc. because that is life, but with you nothing is impossible. And even though the last three years of my life have been difficult, I was reminded daily of why You chose me. And staying obedient, having faith, and trusting you, in the end the result would be victory.

With that said,  January 9, 2018 was my last day of treatment. There are no words or emotions to express how I feel even, three days later writing this. It’s starting to sink in. Regardless of the delays, detours, obstacles, & setbacks, it is evident that I control nothing. My time is irrevelant because t is never on my time but in His timing. And His timing is always best. This journey was needed because of my spiritual growth, emotional growth, and self-growth.

 

Feb 2016, my first treatment ever.

 

Bear with me as I reminisce because I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

After two biopsies, two bone marrow biopsies, 7 Petscans, 6 months of ABVD chemotherapy (3 hours each time every 2 weeks), 3 rounds of ICE chemotherapy (4 days straight with an overnight stay), 1 day of stem cells collection (2million), 7 days of extensive chemotherapy(All day), Stem cell transplant(my 2nd birthday), 25 day hospital stay, 2 1/2 months of isolation, one year of Actrecis (30 mins plus every 3 weeks), and over 60 doctor appointments, I AM FINISHED, DONE, COMPLETED, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I’M ALIVE AND CANCER FREE!!! 

 

Jan 9, 2018 Last Treatment

 

 

My God is tooooooo DOPE!!!! And I’m Beyond Blessed to LIVEEEEE life after cancer. Once again, I want to thank my family, friends, BGT Family( 6am Prayer for always praying, encouraging me), Rider Family, Baruch/Molloy former players & coaches turned sisters, supporters, readers of my blog for always supporting, praying, encouraging, sending love, you will never know how much it has meant to me. We all go through things in life, most of the times not just for us but for others, never be afraid to walk in your truth, you never know who is watching. Don’t let your circumstance(s) define you. I’m determine I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAITH.STRENGTH.PRESERVANCE ~Thank you Mommy for being my angel.

 

 

 

God is soooo Good!!

11/14/16 On my way to the hospital

Last year on November 14, 2016, I entered North Shore Manhasset Hospital in Long Island to start high-dose chemotherapy for 7 days, 2 days of rest and then, my stem cell transplant (2nd birthday). It was a nerve-wracking day because I literally had no expectations of what was in store for me or even returning home. I gave my brother Jaylen, final instructions because he was my health proxy. Sadly, 2 hours into my treatment my Aunt Pam passed away after her battle against Ovarian cancer. Extremely sad & heart-broken knowing I would not be able to attend her home going services. However, I was at peace knowing my last visit her a few days before she passed that we hugged and embraced for the last time. She told me to keep my faith and continue to fight. It’s been a year, you are missed and continue to watch over us.

Fast forward to a year later November 14, 2017, I took my one year Pet Scan. 

One year PET Scan 11/14/17

Results are in:

 My doctor called me to tell me the great news. She is extremely pleased with my scan. My PET Scan shows NO signs of cancer. One year later, I just thank you God. Words cannot express how I feel. I’m soooo in awe of who God is. Jesus, JEsus, Jesus, this has been a longggg two years. My faith has never wavered, even when I continued to get bad news. My lows outweighed my highs at times, but holding on to God’s promise is a reminder of how powerful and mighty He is. He is Alpha & Omega, He is the doctor of all doctors. Jesus, Jesus. Mommy, thankkkk you for being my guardian angel showing up when, I needed you. You have showed me the way, I will continue to speak Life and not Death.  

When, God gives you a testimony you MUST share because it gives hope to those battling their own struggles. Look at God!!!!!!! Ayeeee I feel like Harlem shaking, running around the neighborhood (umm, out of shape), running a suicide (not really), but I am too hyped.
Thank you to everyone who has prayed for/with me, my Dad, my siblings, my bFFs, my family, my framily, & friends, my Bethel Gospel Tabernacle Family (Thank you praying consistently, I really appreciate each & every one of you. Next week, I will be celebrating my 2nd birthday. So, stay tuned I will post again, I just had to share the great news.

Reasons

 

God and Google! (Laughing as I write!)

Listen, God is creative when He wants to show you something. For me, God loves to use one of my favorite apps on my phone Google photos. Especially, the ‘On this day’ feature which publishes photos you took on the date. Well, the November 12th photos for the last two years compelled me to write a blog. 

Hebrews 13:8 reads “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Getting choked up looking at the 2015 and 2016 photos because for the past two years I’ve experienced every emotion possible internally. There have been many sleepless nights, ongoing debates with myself, cries to God, self-doubts, self-affirmation talks, pity parties, toughness talks, prayers to God, self-therapy, and guilt. You are alone in journey, it’s just you and God, you can have all the support in the world but in actuality “you” have to fight your own battle, both internally and externally. For me, God gave me reasons to push through it all, without my relationship, faith, and trust in God I would not be here in 2017.

2015, the very beginning of my journey, just a few days removed from my initial doctor’s appointment for the lump on the left side of my neck. I laugh in amazement at my 2016 photo, just wowww!! Photos are so instrumental as it allows you to reminisce..whewww! What do I remember? It was a Saturday, all of my family was out celebrating Ava’s birthday, I just finished writing my last notes to my family, leaving them instructions just in case I didn’t return home, and then getting dressed to head to the cancer center to receive my last injection for my mouth to prep me for my high dose chemo and stem cell transplant before Monday. I remember I took the picture with my crooked smile because my mouth was swollen and being disgusted looking at the left side of my collarbone. Welpppp!!! And that’s what led me to my praise session this morning. Just when you think you are not strong enough, have no expectations, and become emotionally overwhelmed God gives you reasons to trust & believe in Him through your darkest times. I’ve been singing Koryn Hawthorne’s ‘Reasons’. “I got a reason to smile, I got a reason to raise my hands, I got a reason to Live, I got a reason to do my dance.”

No matter what we go through in life whether great, good, or bad, keep your faith and trust in God because He gives us reasons daily to show us that He is the same God from yesterday, today, and forever. Thank God that He uses Google to chronicle how far He’s brought me.

The next week or so, I will be publishing more blogs as my second birthday is rapidly approaching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got a reason to smile
I got a reason to raise my hands
I got a reason to Live
I got a reason to do my dance

(oooooohhhh)
I like to do it like this
Like this
Like this

Always Forward Never Back

 

Wowwww, just wowww. It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. And as you know, my cancer is still in remission, 7 months post stem cell transplant, and I’m just completely  grateful to God because He continues to show me that His promises are truth. This journey has been difficult but, spiritually awakening, gratifying, and life changing. It has allowed me to do some soul searching. Being confined in a room both at the hospital and in your home with limited contact with people, places, and things because of a developing immune system, body recovery, bad sleeping habits, and the inability to work caused me to suffer from anxiety for a while. Often times I pleaded with God to relieve my stress and anxiety or ask God if I was doing enough in my 30 years of life, why? Because sometimes I felt suffocated enough where I felt I just needed to be free to “live”. Which now I laugh at because my transplant was allowing me to live, right?  My conversations with my “mother,” asking her if I made her proud or what my next move should be were from my bouts of deliriousness and lack of sleep.

Before, my mom passed I had several conversations with her about finding my purpose in life and the feeling of inadequacy. And her response was always Janele, be patient, pray, and trust God to show you. And I believe God used this journey to address some of those issues I buried internally.  This journey has taught me patience by default and trust God to lay the proper foundation on finding my purpose. My recovery has been a humbling experience and I will never forget the process.

For those who are going through it, it is okay to have your moments of vulnerability. We all struggle from time to time and at times question our lives during times of despair. But, we have to remember to press on and trust God because He will slowly, but surely turn things around. Don’t be content with progress, strive for greatness, and the best version of you defined by God.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

 

I like to thank my Dad for holding me down literally and I will forever be grateful for all the time and love you’ve given me through this journey. I love you for being who you are. Hahaha You couldn’t wait until I got back to doing things around the house. 

 

To my siblings, Clarine, Crystal, Ozzie, Jaylen, and Christian.  From up close and afar, I have admired and watched each one of you live your life on your own terms, flourish in your careers, having your own families, apartments, cars, and vacations. I’ve always struggled internally at times questioning my place amongst you all because I’m still trying to find my way, but your support and jokes through it all showed me that no two lives are the same (in our case, no six lives). Thank you, when I had to ask each one of you for money, favors, and someeee..and I appreciate the help even when ya’ll think I’m ungrateful. LOL. I love ya’ll and one of the best blessings in my life is being your sister. 

 

When you see me, just now I give all Glory to guy. My main man, I’m surviving and thriving through it all. I’m not where I was and yet far from where I need to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time eases everything..

April 7, 2015 @ 9:23 am I posted on Facebook :

Faith without works is dead.. Our motto for the day. My mom words “In Jesus’ name, We have the Victory, Cancer Free & Jesus is a Sovereign God!” She’s claiming it!

I remember you said that over & over, you turned to me and told me to say it loud, I did. You cautioned me to never forget it. Just looking at those words now gives me chills. “We have the victory, Cancer Free & Jesus is a Sovereign God!”  Two years later, 4 months in remission,  I feel the power and significance of saying it out. Yes, Mommy I will continue to say it loud and with you “We have the victory, Cancer Free & Jesus is a Sovereign God!”  Claim victory and God definitely wanted to me to hear those words and believe in them. Ma, Thank you again for your journey, perseverance, strength, faith, and relationship with God because without me witnessing it first hand, I could’ve crumbled every time I had a setback but I did not. You told me and showed me how to always believe and trust God, pray and keep my faith through it all.  And Thank you for showing your face to me when I was having a terrible day in the hospital, you reminded me that this is not my battle but the Lord’s.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! There are not enough thank you’s, I will love you forever Mommy.

                                   Thanks for listening to me whenever I speak to you.

Ma, you are truly missed without a doubt. Because of you, our family is what it is today. April 8th will never be the same but, as a family we have peace knowing He called you home.  Please continue to watch over us.

 

Three Months Later

“Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

JESUS. THANK YOU!!

 

 

Reflection. Patience. Faith. Perseverance. Trust.Progress. Prayer. God continues to show me regardless of how low I get, I can look up, and He is always there. There were times when I frustrated but praying helped me realize my recovery was a marathon and not a race. Be patient, trust God, and you will be rewarded. Nothing is too hard for God, NOTHING!! And I truly believe that.

……..

UPDATE: March 2nd, I took my first PetScan since early October. And I received the results last Friday, There was no cancer found!! When, I tell you God is soooo good. To hear those words reassures me that God is a promise keeper.Everyday I wake up,  it is a privilege and I do not take life for granted. The simple things in life become complicated when adversity surfaces. But, remember that God does everything for a purpose, in His purpose, and on purpose.

And, I want to thank everyone who visited me, called,texted, FB msg, prayed for me, and simply assisted me in anyway. I’m beyond grateful because without you knowing, God answered my prayers.

I would like to do a Q&A for an upcoming blog for anyone who may have questions about my journey. I would be happy to share because we all go through things in life that may help someone else.

 

 

HIS PROMISE FULFILLED!!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalms 139:14

November 28th-

Day +6 I still wasn’t feeling good ,still no appetite but, I felt much better than Sunday. I basically slept through the day, my dad and Clarine came by.

Day +7 I was getting fevers throughout the day, however my mouth started feeling a little better, I still had to numb my mouth to eat, but my appetite started to make it’s way back. My doctor said maybe in another two days I would see my WBC. So, that was something to look forward.

Day +8 My throat wasn’t sore anymore, however my teeth were still a little sensitive. I definitely was trying to get some sleep, I got about 5 hours of sleep throughout the night which was great for me.

Day +9 MY WBC finally made an appearance. YAY!!!!  It moved from 0.1 to 0.2, doesn’t seem like much but that made the difference. My doctor explained to me that sometimes there is a gradual rise or a fast rise. Every day I since Day +1 I receive a Neupogen shot, a bone marrow stimulant, it gives your WBC a boost. I was so excited, however later that night I started getting cramps in my stomach and my lower back, I think didn’t much of it. So, I took an oxycodone for pain. That didn’t stop me from being happy that I finally had a WBC. Kelly by for our weekly catch up sessions, a lot of tea was given, lol. We talked to my nurse Michelle, a Spurs fan and love her she so nice and she was one person that told me you will have bad days but it will get better, God will get you through. I always appreciate our weekly visits Kelly, please know that.

Day +10 My WBC jumped from 0.2 to 0.9, ayeee I was getting fancy!! My teeth were hurting just a little, my throat wasn’t sore. And my doctor was so pleased with how I was doing but, I was still dealing with fevers and she thought they were engraftment fevers. Nonetheless, she told me I would be going home in a week and she gave me the best news ever, the triple-lumen catheter was coming out. They were going to access my mediport that I used for treatment. And my little sister, Nia came to visit me!! I was able to share the good news with her, but the coolest thing she was able to watch as they took that 5 inch tube out my neck. It’s always a pleasure when Nia comes, I knew her for a longggggg time. Her mother was my art teacher in elementary school, then they lived down the block from my family for years and our families became closer over the years. I wasn’t even mad she played at Christ the king, *cough* but was definitely happy for her that she got the chance to play four years at the University of Illinois. Our talks are always filled so much of everything, and I don’t take that big sister role for granted. I love you girl and proud of the woman you are continuing to growing into. Thank you for stepping in and helping my team, continue to be a beautiful soul and can’t wait until you are a PA! Then,  Kara came through as well and I gave her the good news too. And, then Satch, (Yanie’s dad) but also one of my first basketball coaches came through to bust my chops as usual. Still talking and reminiscing about the championship game we lost at the Conrad McRae tournament, the only girl’s team in the first year of the tournament. Haha He’s still mad, right Satch, I love you and thanks for coming to check on your other daughter. I miss that Satch mobile though, it was comfortable! Thank you for coming to visit Nia, Kara, and Satch it was great to share some news with you. Later that night I felt a pain in the lower right side of abdomen, I assumed it maybe an ovarian cyst, so I was going to tell my doctor the next morning. Still battling high fevers throughout the day that it was becoming the normal.

Day +11 Next morning, I woke up and my mouth felt great no more pain. My doctor told me my WBC jumped from 0.9 to 2.7, a huge jump. She said I was doing great, but I told her about my pain and that I wanted it checked before I went home. So, she agreed and ordered an ultrasound, but I would get it done Monday. The rest of day was nice chill and I popped a oxy every time I needed one.

Day +12  Everything was feeling back to normal except my tongue, my body was still fatigued, but I’ve been showering and exercising, I was just still getting fevers. My doctor told  me my WBC went from 2.7 to 6.6 , which was amazing!!!! However, she wanted to stop the neupogen shots because she wanted to get the fevers under control. To no avail I still had the fevers, but I was getting an ultrasound tomorrow so we would see the problem. Ozzie came up to visit me because he had to bring me a few days, it was good to see a family member, because everyone was sick, so they had to stay away. 

Day +13 Dr. Bayer’s month of rounds in the hospital was over, so the third member of her team Dr. Donahue started rounds. She let me know instead of an ultrasound, I was going to get a CT scan with contrast because they wanted to see what was causing the fevers. So, I had drink this contrast liquid which is disgusting and because I had to get a CT scan I had to go to the first floor. WHOAAA first time out of isolation in 21 days. Transport came, I took the test I got some fresh air and after the test was done, I was sitting in the hallway waiting for transport and started to get cold. When, I got back in my room I had chills, but I was shaking uncontrollably. I had a 104.9 fever in one ear and an 107 temp in the other ear. I was wrapped in three blankets and heat packs under my arms.  Took tylenol and it started to drop. The CT scan revealed that a small portion my colon was inflamed, that was causing the fevers. So, they changed my antibiotics. AND BOOM FEVERS STOPPED!! Thank God, the normal signs of an inflamed colon is diarrhea and I didn’t have that. It was me paying attention to my body, but making sure I didn’t go home because I was in a rush. I promise before I leave this place, I want to make sure I am okay because I do not want to have to be hospitalized again.

Day +14 Nothing eventful, just monitoring for 24 hours to make sure no fevers. So, I showered and exercised. I was waiting for a release day but after this calendar ends. My numbers fully recovered across the board my WBC, my hemoglobin, and platelets, shows that my bone marrow is putting in work.

Where would I be without with my family? Because there is an order to everything here it is.

Clarine- Thank you for calling me every morning, trying to fb video me, and encouraging me. You told me to stay focus on God’s plan, which I will always continue to do. You pushed to write this blog and convinced me that I had to share my testimony. So, thank you!! It is a blessing to have the best big sister, who has always supported me and you will give me advice even when, I do not want to hear it. You are my left-hand man, you go out your way to make sure that I don’t embarrass you, hahahhaa You are the greatest example of what an oldest child looks like. You are honest sometimes too much, stubborn, loving, strong-minded, secure, and feisty. I love you so much, thank you for being one of my best friends, confidants and sisters that I could have. I pray that God continues to bless you, and provide a doorway for bigger and better things for you and Ava.

Crystal- I still struggle sometimes because you’re no longer my roommate, but I am happy that you have your own beautiful family. You got a little better with finding your phone, lol  Thank you for the drop by visitsha filled with shade, goodies, and for those homecooked meals that I longed for. You are my right-hand man ever since I could remember and I admire how genuine you are, caring, kind, fast talker, and fashionable. Thank you for being there for me, you are the best little sister anyone can have. And you are right this Test is only my Testimony, thank you for that reminder. I love you sister, thank you for being my best friend for 28 years I will never forget you literally. I pray that God continues to bless & protect you and your family, gives you the desires of your heart!

Ozzie- Thank you for checking in on me and being the science guy in family. You are my Leo brother on the opposite spectrum tho. It has been a joy having you back in New York. I love you, I remember how excited I was when you were born. Thank you for letting me use your car for all those doctor appointments I had to go in the last year. I know in the beginning it was hard for you, when I told you. Thanks for being an ear when I had moments, you always told me to stay strong because that was who I was. I love you very much, I am proud of the man I continue to see you grow into. You can be selfish at times (extreme leo spectrum)haha, but your humor, competitiveness, caring, and loving spirit continues to push me. I am blessed to have you as my brother.You reminded me THIS IS NOT RIDER! YOU WILL HAVE VICTORY! And you are right. I pray God continues to protect you and that he blesses you really soon *wink*!

Jaylen- My partner, the one who has been there from the very beginning. I know this has been very difficult for you, but you have been my confidant and rock. You will literally do anything for me and you have listened to me talk and vent. And all you did was sit and listen. You are sensitive, genuine, quiet, observant and talented. I am blessed that not only are you my partner but my twin. I am blessed that you are my brother, you literally keep our family and house together. I love you so much and you always remind me that I will defeat cancer. When, I made you my health proxy you accepted and listened to all my wishes. Day of admission they were suppose to collect my healthy proxy and two days ago when I looked in my bookbag, I saw it still my bag. God reminded me that I am your health proxy! You never needed one. Thank you Jaylen in advance for taking care of me for next few weeks and I pray that God protects you and gives you the strength to deal me. lol

Christian- You literally had a rough two years and I can’t say it enough of how proud I am. You didn’t let things bring you down but you experienced life and grew into the man we continue to see. You started this journey off with me, you provided laughter when one could feel down. You’ve provided some of the best wisdom during this journey, sometimes I forget that you’re the youngest. You are the funniest person I know, sarcastic, caring, honest, and intelligent. Thank you in advance for taking care of me and I can’t wait for your meals when you come home, I pray that God gives you the push to finish your last year of school strong and provide you with a job opportunity after.

 Daddy- Where do I begin? Five years ago, you were dead for 20 minutes and I did the abbreviated CPR that I saw on TV, that contributed a little to you still being here, but GOD performed a miracle and you’re still here. I always joke that I saved your life and 5 years later we are in reverse roles. I know it has been extremely difficult for you after losing Mommy to cancer. You were at her side every step of the way, you never left her side, you took your vows very serious. After Mommy’s death, the word cancer equaled death to you, so I wanted to remove you from my situation in the beginning. But,  as my battle became more complexed, the more you were involved. You have lost sleep worrying about me since I’ve been in this hospital. I am extremely appreciative that I have a father I can rely on, cares about me and loves me. You are doing the best that you can and I am grateful that you will do anything for anyone of your children. You come up here almost day that I tell you to stay home sometimes. And on the worst day of my life, I wanted to protect you because I did not want you to see me like that. I don’t think it would’ve been fair. You remind me to Keep my Head Up, Keep my Spirits High, Keep my Head Strong, Keep my Faith in God, and Keep my mind on Jesus! Thank you Daddy, for being my #1 cheerleader, supporter, and motivator. I love you very much and I am grateful to God that He saved your life so that you could be here to return the favor, lol. You are the best father we could have and Mommy would be very proud to know that you kept your word. Thank you in advance for taking care of me, I know it won’t be easy, but I want you know that I am thankful.

 

I am going home tomorrow, which is exciting. My body has to recover and I have still have no immune system. My immune system is worse than a baby. I have to be in semi-isolation my room, I am the only one that can use my bathroom, I have to eat home-cooked meals only for the next few months, everyone has to consistently wash their hands, I can only  go out to the doctor in full mask and gloves, I can’t go near my three cats  because they can get me extremely sick or kill me, my dog can not lick me, I can get the chicken pox again, and I have to get all the vaccinations I got when I was younger again a year from now when my system fully recovers. So, unfortunately I can not have visitors for the next few weeks, I have to protect myself , my body needs to build an immune system and I need to limit bacteria and infections. 

 

 

 

Week 2

“For God does not show favoritism.” Romans 2:11

Week 2, started off calm because after 7 days of high-dose chemotherapy, your body needs to rest before the stem cell transplant. So, the two rest days in my plan were the  EASIEST days of my entire time in here. These days I spent with visitors because for the first time I felt like myself. I didn’t feel or look like a zombie. Even, the nurse managers and other nurses were happy to see that I was talking and smiling.

Day -2  It was the calmest day that I’ve had here. It just felt great to rest, sit in the chair, and look up at infusion pump to see no drugs, just fluids and heparin(blood thinner). A beautiful site, I was able to walk to the shower, walk the hallway for exercise, and ride the exercise bike. I thanked God more times than I could count that he got me through the hard part. I felt optimistic, I could do anything. And around 11am, my  Rider college teammate Kara, came to visit me. Quick story, Kara hosted me on my official visit at Rider, she was my first friend at Rider, we were roommates my Freshman year, and our families became close over our years and remain close. Our families came to all our games, even though we lost all time!! haha She came all the way from South Jersey to see me, spend time, not once but twice. We literally talked about everything possible, haha. Kara, thank you for always being a friend, sister, family, supportive, genuine, my only teammate literally that caught every pass I gave (LOL), funny, loving, trustworthy, and honest. I appreciate you coming to visit me and checking up on me everyday, I love you and geezzz I knew you for 13 years. Wowwww..

 

Day -1 Another peaceful day for the most part, I had another visitor Tanisha, she came to visit me, encourage, talk, and pray for me, which she knows I always ask her to do. Tanisha, I continue to say that I am proud of you, and I am happy to see how God continues to use you to lead. Our talk was definitely refreshing, your note of encouragement has been a daily remember,  2 Corinthians 12:9-10. God’s power is definitely made perfect for weakness, because His grace is sufficient when I feel so low. It’s a reminder, it will only get better!! So, thank you Tanisha for coming, love you girl and thank you for praying for me and I can’t wait to wear my hoodie. At 11:00 p.m. the fluids on the infusion pump were turned up at 150mL, to prepare my body for my stem cells. Back and forth to the bathroom, I went but not as bad as those cytoxan days. 

 

Day-9 to -1 was over, the first phase was over. I made it through by God’s grace.

Every morning, the team makes their rounds. My doctor, Dr.Bayer, the fellow (oops forgot her name, she’s really nice tho),  and NP (whoever is there that day). This is the time to talk to your doctor, voice your concerns, and ask questions you maybe confused about, so make sure you have your questions listed, or someone is there to advocate for you if you can not do it yourself. This is the most important part of your day! Thank God, I am able to ask and talk to my doctors, I need to make sure I know what is going on. It feels great to know your in good hands, all my questions and concerns were answered in detail. Too many times patients are so sick that they can’t ask the doctors questions and it presents more complications. You are in charge of your health keep that in mind, you only get one body.

My last blog, I forgot to tell this story so, but this is relevant. My second day here, November 15th, my night nurse Laura, introduced me to my day nurse, she said this is Evelyn. I remember asking her name again, and she said Evelyn, but, some people call me Evie. I started laughing, she said what happen. I told her my Nana who passed away name was Evaline aka Evie and a registered nurse and showed her a picture. She said don’t worry I’ll take of you like my baby. She’s the senior nurse her and oldest here, she literally treats me like her granddaughter and reminds me of my Nana. That was God’s way of saying  I got it and I will take care of you. She takes care of me the most and one of my favorites. So, thank you Evelyn, I got her to take a picture me with me. And I will never forget her, she has literally taken care on my worse days.

Day 0 At 4:30 am, I got up a little earlier to do my devotional and pray before I got my stem cells. “Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14 & “25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; 26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”Lamentations 3:25-26 I was up praising God in advance, but I felt this calm feeling and it was a beautiful, it was God’s presence. And He said this is the last time, I shook my head in agreement and yes it is. I believe Him and trust in Him. Wait on the Lord, it is never on your time, but on His time.

Dr. Bayer came in early around 9am to explain what was going to happen when my stem cells were put in. And, she wished me a Happy 2nd Birthday and said she will be back. My Birthday was scheduled for 11:30a.m. My Dad, Ozzie, and Clarine(she surprised me & came, she was late as usual so she missed the cells, lol thank you sister for coming,) were all able to be there for this special moment which I really appreciate it and was happy they could share that moment with me. My dad comes mostly everyday, unless I tell him to stay home and I really appreciate that he comes because without him coming I would not have clean clothes, water, and company. Plus it’s always great to have your only parent left to support, tell you they love and they’re proud of you. So, thank you Daddy(this still isn’t the big blog love post lol) I love you very much. My science mind brother Ozzie, this was perfect for you and I was happy you were there to help explain the process. My nurse Soby, another one of my favs she’s the technical nurse, I always tell her she needs to be a professor, because she would be a great teacher. She’s my other day nurse, I have a lot, she explained the process of the stem cell transplant, so I hope I do you justice Soby. hahhaa Because, the chemo killed all of my cells (red, white, platelets) and the last drug bought my white blood count (WBC) down to 0.1, my immune system is wiped out. I take about 9 pills a day to protect my liver, other organs, multi-vitamins, folic acid and pneumonia blocker. To put it in context, a baby has a better immune system than me. In order, to fight infections you need your white blood cells, my white blood cells were damaged because there were cancerous, so that chemo killed them. Now, in order for you to collect healthy stem cells, the cancer in your body has to be gone or reduced significantly. And during that time, they try to hurry up and collect your cells. 

What happens during a stem cell transplant?

• Your nurse along with numerous people check several times to make sure the stem cells are yours, they check your bracelet and ask your name.
• It is a procedure, not a surgery, so it is hooked up to your IV pole, it hangs and it drips by gravity into your IV. It takes about an hour. 
• Your stem cells (white blood cells) have to spread throughout your body until it reaches the bone marrow. Once, there it takes 10 to 14 days to start growing in which your WBC will rise, it is a steady pace, once your count gets to 0.2, that means you have a WBC, it takes a while so be patient.
• Because your red blood cells and platelets were also killed, you will need to get transfusions. Your hemoglobin level is very important, stem cell transplant patients are anemic automatically, so we have to sustain a certain level. Platelets are needed as well because when you bleed, you need not to bleed severely and excessively.
• This is the reason why I am isolation, I do not have an immune system and I need to be protected.
• You get a Kepivance injection on Day 0, Day+1, Day+2, for protection of your mouth and gastrointestinal tract. Your mouth is swollen with extra fatty tissue.

I hope I did you justice Soby, lol. But here is a little video of my stem cell transplant. Video courtesy of my Dad!!

 

I was given Benadryl before the stem cells and I needed another blood transfusion so I got it right after. So, I was sleep for 5 hours and once again, I was woken up by a presence. A surprise visit from Yanie and my sis/Fab4/friend Lauren. That was definitely a great visit because I didn’t feel too good when I woke up. They definitely tried to get me to turn up, haha It was a much needed visit, especially when Lauren came. She drove up from VA,  thank you Lauren, that you care and love me that much that I was one of your first visits. You check on me all the time and always do your wellness calls, which I always appreciate. You really are a gem, down to earth, honest, funny, genuine, loyal, thoughtful, and thank you for sistership for over 15 years and for praying for me. So, Yanie and Lauren thanks for the visit, it was on time!!

Day +1 Thanksgiving Day, for days I was thinking of all food I was going to eat. But, when I woke up in the morning, my mouth was swollen and my throat was sore. Elton, came up early to spend time with me which is always great. Elton, I know I annoy you and get on your nerves and vice versa, but thank you for literally everything. You have taken care of me when you didn’t have to. Three and half years, we’ve been together, and when it got tough you did not leave. That speaks to your character, I know you will stick around through the hard times and that makes me feel secure knowing that you won’t run when things get hard. And that is why I love you and appreciate you even more because we are not engaged or married, you could have left anytime, but you stayed and continue to stay with me making sure that I am doing okay and you are genuinely happy to see my progress. I know this has been rough for you, but hopefully, while you on this journey with me, you see how much I believe and trust God for my complete healing and that trust helps you navigate life. You have done anything I asked and go out your way to make sure I am provided for, especially since I can not physically work for a while, and even though it may not be easy you just try to ease that burden for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the best friend, love, support, genuine, caring, kind-hearted boyfriend, God has sent for me. I love you very much and I look forward to our future. 

My waves of food came in along with my family. Clarine came with Ava, I didn’t know Ava was coming. Clarine brought me some mac & cheese, ribs, and cucumbers. I couldn’t eat the ribs because I was having difficulty swallowing. I love Ava, but I did not want her to see me like that because I think she’s too young and I didn’t want her to have that view of me stuck in her head. It hurt my heart seeing the sad look in her eyes, I didn’t want her to think I was that sick and I would pass like my mom. So, I made sure to put a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel good at all. And because we are so used to kissing and hugging, she couldn’t touched me it was hard. But, it is always to fulfilling to see my Ava, my first daughter, I love you Ava Lynn. And thank you sister for my food and sharing your child with me.

Later on after Elton left, because he went to Corey & Crystal’s for thanksgiving, Ozzie, Jaylen, & Christian came to bring me their food that cooked at 132. My dad arrived a few mins later. The food was good except, never mind hahaa, I ate all the food that was soft for me to swallow. But, thank you to the men of my family for coming today and spending the Thanksgiving evening with me. I know I will laugh at least once whenever my siblings come around doesn’t matter who it is. The more the better, but when the boys get together their conversations are definitely all the place but the nonetheless comedy. Thank you Daddy, Ozzie, Jaylen and Christian for coming spending Thanksgiving with me and making sure I didn’t feel left out. 

Day +3 My mouth and throat was sore that I had to numb my mouth to try and eat. I was in pain and it wasn’t a good day for me. I spent it mostly in my recliner, I was so tired I couldn’t get up to take a shower. As bad as I felt, I was still optimistic that it will get better tomorrow and it did, well sort of.

Day +4 I woke up, for the first time ever I found out the effects of the Kepivance. It wore off,  my face was swollen, the fatty lining thinned out. My mouth, teeth, and throat hurt so much. My stomach was swollen and inflamed. All of this was from the effects of the chemotherapy, it burned through my mouth and gastrointestinal tract. And other women health issues didn’t help, so I was prescribed some pills to slow because it made things worse. Even, with all of this I still felt better than Friday, which was unbelievable but, hey praise God for small victories. My brothers came to visit me again, we watched the Knicks game, laughed, and had a great time. I felt better than Friday, so I thought wow, Sunday is going to be much better.

Day +5 At 12:00 am, it went all downhill I had 103 fever, at 1:00am the Nurse Practitioner came in and asked me so many questions. I was given tylenol for the fever. It went down, but I probably got about 2 hours of sleep. At 5:30am, I woke up and when I say  This was the worst day of my life!!! I mean it, I never felt any pain like this in my life it’s an indescribable feeling. My mouth, gums, teeth, and throat felt terrible. If you ever had your wisdom teeth grow in and remember how it felt cutting through your gums, that is how all my teeth felt.It hurt to chew, I could not swallow, so I could not eat solid foods. I could only eat soup and drink tea. My stomach was inflamed and my body was weak, I could barely stand. I was in the recliner all day, because you don’t want to stay in the bed. I called my Dad early to tell him not to come visit because I didn’t feel good. But, my hemoglobin and platelets were soooo low. My hemoglobin was a 5 (normal level is 11-15) and my platelets were 17( normal 150-300) , my doctor wants to keep my platelets above a 30. I ended up getting a blood tranfusion (3 hours) and 2 bag of platelets because after one bag it only went from 17 to 18. For the first time, since I started treatment I lost my appetite and the first time I felt why we can not function without white blood cells. Without your white blood cells everything on/in your body will hurt. But, my nurses were so supportive and they kept reminding me that it will get better once my WBC raises. God literally stripped me down to my most vulnerable state to let me know that He was always there. He will never leave me or forsake me, regardless of how bad I felt just hold on and watch Him fulfill His promise.If I still trusted Him and believe Him it would get better. And I kept repeating to myself this is only temporary, it will get better, stay positive, God thank you in advance for healing. Elton came by drop something off to me and saw how bad I was, he told my one of the other nurses that I wasn’t doing good. My worst day was the end of my second week. 

 

RECAP

My second week started off great and ended with the worst day of my life. This is a reminder that life can really change in a blink of an eye. I realized that all the googling and researching I did, no one tells you that the chemo week was actually not that bad. But, it is after the stem cell transplant. I didn’t find any material at least warning me how I would feel after I got my transplant. My hopes are that I can help someone in the future. There is nothing that can prepare you for a stem cell transplant. Your WHITE BLOOD CELLS are sooooo important and I can’t say that enough. Without it, it puts your body in the most vulnerable state, the simplest things in life, standing, chewing, biting, eating, walking, showering, running, anything you could think  of is compromised. I say that to say, regardless of how bad you feel, how you look, IT WILL GET BETTER!!  And 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. God’s power is definitely made perfect for weakness, because His grace is sufficient when I feel so low. And guess what?? I made it through Week 2!!