“You’re so young, I feel sorry for you!”
Round 3, another day for God to fight this battle for me. How do I feel? Well, I felt good early this morning and then, on my way to chemo a familiar pain came back. A sharp pain in my abdomen on the right side, where a 7 cm enlarged lymph node rests on my liver. “Jesus, Jesus” was all I could say.
In the chemo area, I’m always the youngest patient. The pity looks I receive, I always return them with a smile. There is always that one person that says “You’re so young, I feel sorry for you!” I always quickly respond “Don’t feel sorry for me, I’m young but cancer, disease, illness, or death doesn’t have an age.” If you’re supposed to go through something, it doesn’t matter how young or old you are, it will happen. As humans we try to control everything, but we control nothing. God has, is and will always be in control.
Woke up this morning with mixed emotions, because Christian(my youngest brother) was not here to take me to my treatment. Not only did he provide comical relief, an ear to listen and wisdom, but he represented a miracle. My mother’s miracle child, one she conceived 6 months after her initial chemo treatment. Several doctors told her to abort the baby, because it was a danger to her health. Only one doctor was optimistic, my mother’s faith guided her decision to keep her baby. Knowing the potential risks of fertility after chemotherapy created some anxiety for me. However, seeing him constantly reminds me to put my trust in God. God has the final say every time. Christian was home for two months before he left to study abroad, nothing but God, because He saw I needed a daily reminder of His work. Christian, I love you, thank you for time, support, love, pep talks, and I’m extremely proud of your ongoing growth in manhood and adulthood. Have fun in Argentina and Brazil.
I’m thankful that my boyfriend, Elton can take me now. Watching how my father dealt with my mother’s sickness(he was always either worried, frustrated or sad watching the love of his life go through an ultimate battle), I was a little apprehensive so, I prayed on it. Today, I told him to come into the chemo area so, he can see for himself a little bit of the process I go through. “Does everyone know you?” He asked. I thought that was funny, because everyone greeted me by first name. I also, had to introduce him as my boyfriend since I’m always bringing a different sibling, I didn’t want any confusion. Ya’ll know there is a lot of us, Haha. My chemo nurse began speaking with him and telling him some beautiful things about me. Awww, shout out to Lila. Through his interactions with the nurses, God eased my concerns. Elton, thank you for your support, time, love, friendship, and dealing with me. I love you and blessed to have you as my love.
Once again, how do I feel? While I’m typing this, I’m starting to feel nauseous, my lower back hurts, my right calf is numb, and as I’m eating this nectarine, I can’t taste it because my tongue has a tingling sensation. Truth is, I don’t know how I am going to feel later on today. But, what brings me great satisfaction is knowing that God has a plan for me. What I am experiencing is only temporary. Trusting and believing God through this trial is all the control I have.
Be what God intends you to be— don’t pretend to be what you’re not.